To Boldly Go... Ruin Star Trek

I was going to wait to spring upon you that I like Star Trek, but I guess I kinda did, the other day. Anyway, this is something I have to get off my chest.

Star Trek is not a comedy.

Apparently, J.J. Abrams missed that memo. He must've missed it because he didn't pass it along to his writers, Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman, either.

You're probably not familiar with Orci and Kurtzman's work. I mention them together because their resumes are i-fucking-dentical. I was going to try to display that here, but instead go here and here to see their credits on imdb.com. Go ahead. I'll wait.

...

See? Exactly the same. Exactly as stupid. You may notice that they wrote Transformers, which "graced" theater screens, last summer. Now, I don't know how much of what we actually ended up seeing was what they wrote and how much of it was Michael Bay. I'll be the first to blame Bay for Transformers. In fact, look for a future article called "Michael Bay Raped My Childhood." Bay may have trumped Kurtzman and Orci and re-wrote a lot of it, but they never protested. They didn't take their names off the script.

From a financial stand point, I guess that makes sense, but, I can't imagine two credible writers being morally okay with leaving their names on something like Transformers. Given their resumes, though (identical! I still can't get over that. It's creepy!), I argue that not only are they okay with poorly written, juvenile tripe, but that they set out to accomplish that in the first place.

Normally, I wouldn't care. There's a "Scary Movie" or "Epic Movie" or the like every month, practically, and I just shrug it off and keep rolling. Transformers hurt, though. Those of us who were little six-year-old boys during the Transformers hey-day were promised a lot of things by Kurtzorci (that's my name for them, since they're identical) that they did't follow through on.

Okay, I've digressed quite a bit. My point is, they've already got a mountain of crap under their collective belt. They've already proven, to me, that they can't treat a beloved franchise with the respect and dignity it deserves. How can we trust them to handle, properly, a franchise that's even more beloved and venerable (yes, Star Trek is. I'm serious)?

Maybe, hope lies in J.J. Abrams? Lost is pretty good, right (I don't watch it, but I hear it's good...)? Maybe he'll pull a Bay, and re-write a lot of Kurtzorci's work... except in a good way? Maybe he'll save it.

'Fraid not.

Remember: I said Abrams missed the memo that Star Trek is not a comedy. Turns out, three of the six major characters are being played by actors that, as far as I can tell, have only ever had comedic roles in... comedies. John Cho is playing Sulu. He's most well-known as Harold from Harold & Kumar. Comedy. Simon Pegg is playing Scotty. He's best known from Hot Fuzz and Sean of the Dead and most recently starred in Run, Fat Boy, Run. Comedy, comedy, comedy. Anton Yelchin is playing Chekov. He was most recently in Charlie Bartlett. Comedy.

Lastly, there's Karl Urban playing Dr. McCoy. He's not a comedy actor, but he did play "Vaako" in The Chronicles of Riddick, which was inadvertantly hilarious. So, I'm counting him, too. Actually, I'm not, but I think that anyone associated with Riddick shouldn't be allowed to work for at least ten years. It's only been four.

That's not everyone. I don't know anything about the guy playing Kirk or some of the other actors. I like that Zachary Quinto is playing Spock. He plays Sylar on Heroes. He's a good actor. He could do comedy, I'm sure, but he's not known for it.

So, there could be some good things about it. For now I'm suspending my disbelief on continuity and things like that because I don't know anything about the story. I will go see it, but with great reluctance. I just worry that with a producer who, despite his other potentially good work, seems to be ignoring fundemental elements of the franchise, in one hand, and a pair of writers who have, together, undisputedly man-handled another franchise, in the other hand, all we'll be left with, as fans, are two handfulls of mistreated American pop-culture.

At best we'll get something like the Brady Bunch movie. At worst, we'll get Harold and Kumar Save the Galaxy, or better yet: Star Trek Movie (see what I did there?).

Star Trek deserves better.